Journals of a Love Addict
The Blog
Painting the Kitchen (And Other Ways To Avoid Reality)
Did I have food on the table and a roof over my head? Yes. Was I functional? No. But reminding myself daily that I had so much and should be grateful for what I had only contributed to the shame that came with the misery that led to the avoidance and the growing dysfunction.
I wasn't thriving because I was avoiding my reality; or, as my friend Becky Vollmer says, I was miserable because I refused to say it out loud or even acknowledge it to myself. I was miserable because I refused to own my reality.
I Love You, I Honestly (Maybe?) Love You
I believed that I loved this man, that I should love him, and wanted so much to feel in love; but what I really craved was the addiction, the intensity, the push/pull that I had experienced in my previous relationship. I wanted to feel hooked-as if I couldn't live without him; because to me, in 1997, that's what loving someone was supposed to feel like.
Accidental Anorexia
I spent most of 1996 recovering from a Titanic breakup and all of the detriment I'd caused in my life leading up to it. During that relationship, I was unknowingly holding everything together with Scotch Tape, and after it ended I found myself surrounded by numerous tiny pieces of Jodi that demanded immediate attention.
Broken Arms and Yo-yos
I can recall the pain of these obsessive thoughts and the continued irrational hope for repairing something so malignant. It's difficult to read today, but at least I now have the benefit of understanding WHY I was stuck in this mental loop…
Making Love Out Of Nothing At All
Love Addicts are addicted to being loved, but more specifically to feeling loved, to chasing love, to creating love where there is none. It's exhausting and debilitating and, in extreme cases, can literally kill a person due to the self-neglect that occurs. But here's the thing: As obsessed with the idea of love as one may be, the Love Addict can't tolerate healthy love or true intimacy because it's so terribly uncomfortable.