The Blog
The Big H: Or, it’s okay to grieve the loss of your womb (even if you never wanted children)
“Someday” is a point in the future that serves as a handy marker for when you’ll eventually look at or do something that you don’t want to look at or do now. Someday is far away, and it’s a gift of youth (or at least being younger than you will be when Someday arrives).
Painting the Kitchen (And Other Ways To Avoid Reality)
Did I have food on the table and a roof over my head? Yes. Was I functional? No. But reminding myself daily that I had so much and should be grateful for what I had only contributed to the shame that came with the misery that led to the avoidance and the growing dysfunction.
Mötley Crüe and Peach Schnapps Made Me Do It
This time I snuck out of the house in broad daylight, arranging for that boyfriend to pick me up at the bottom of a hill on the aforementioned country highway on which we lived. I thought I was so clever; telling Mom that I was Just gonna go say Hi to the neighbors across the road real quick - which I'd never done before because I hardly knew them - and thinking she wasn't onto me. But she was.
Suddenly, That Summer
I couldn't have known it at the time, but this was my first memorable shame attack and my earliest recollection of feeling that its not safe to be me...I should be more careful...I can't let my guard down when I'm out there in the world. In other words, I unconsciously absorbed responsibility for what happened and assumed it must have been my fault.
A Friend for the End of the World
When I read this 20 years after writing the entry, my initial reaction was an eye-roll and shaming thoughts consisting of "I sound like such a victim. A spoiled brat. Why did I let that go on for so long?" In other words, I had very little empathy for myself; that is until I went further back in my journal and realized WHY I didn't end it.